"Hi guys," I commented as a walked into the spacious living room. "Nice place you got here. Howís everyone doing?" Silence greeted me as the four Weiss members stared at me.
"How in the name of the Internet did you get here?" Omi cried.
"You filthy Schwartz trespasser!" Ken howled. "You dared to invade our humble abode???!!!' He bounded to his feet. "Prepare to die!!!"
"I resent that-" I began, but was interrupted by Kenís clumsy antics. As he lunged at me, he tripped over his untied shoelace and fell into a potted fern.
Omi, Yohji and I all sweatdropped. Aya stared at Ken.
"You did it now, Ken Ďcuz," Yohji announced and then looked at me. "Say, what are you doing tonight? Youíre kind of cute-"
"Oh Yohji-kun!" I gushed.
Omi looked green. Aya scowled and glared at nothing. Ken stood up and walked into a nearby wall. "Only a minor setback," he announced as he fell down again.
"What is the meaning of your visit?" Aya demanded in a frosty voice.
I smiled brightly. "Iím here to do an interview."
"I donít wanna do an interview," Omi whined loudly.
Ken moaned and groaned in agony. Whether it was from his recent injuries or the prospect of having to do an interview I couldnít say.
Yohji quickly ran a brush through his hair and put on a pair of styliní shades. After propping his long legs, which were clad in hipster Jeans flares, upon the coffee table he lit a cigarette and began to puff coolly. "Now whatís this about an interview?"
"Well not an interview so much as a-uh-story of sorts," I amended, looking away from Ayaís icy scowl. "You guys have got fans all over the place. Wouldnít it be nice if they all could see you -the real you?"
"No, so go away," Omi said. "Weíre busy."
"Youíll get paid..." I said, pretending to look at my fingernails while really peeking up at Aya through my eyelashes.
"Sit down. Letís talk," Aya ordered.
"Worked like a charm," I thought and sat down.
"Aya-kuuuuuuunnnnnnnn," Omi moaned. "I donít wannnnaaaaaaa..."
Aya glared at Omi. "Omi. Keep quiet." He looked at me. "Name some figures."
"I looked at Ken who was still floundering on the floor. "Ken-kun? Are you planning to join us anytime soon?" Aya sighed loudly. He stalked over to Ken hauled him to his feet and shoved him into the nearest chair. Ken blushed.
"How sweet," I remarked.
Aya glowered at me.
"Letís start with me," Yohji suggested. "Iím sure that all my many fans would love to hear all about the time I-"
"I said name some figures," Aya demanded.
Aya unsheathed his katana. I didnít need to be told twice. "I donít know the exact figure but Sai does," I quickly said.
"SAI???!!!" Aya yelled.
I snickered. "She saw you in your boxers, didnít she Aya-kun?"
Ken winced. "Bad move Deena-san. Youíre sushi now."
"Prepare to meet your maker!!!" Aya cried, swinging his katana around.
Omi ducked his head and whimpered. I sighed. If only Koyasu-san was my maker. What I wouldnít give to meet him.
"Look out Deena-san!!!" Ken yelled.
Aya was gonna slice me. I was about to get the hell outta there when I stopped and frowned. I was the author. I didnít have to put up with this blithering buffoonery. This was my interview. I could make them do whatever I wanted them to do. I was the leader here, not Aya. I pulled out my notebook and rapidly scribbled down a few lines.
"Ken-kun, Iíve never seen you look more beautiful then you do at this exact moment," Aya announced. "You truly are perfection in the form of an assassin. Iím not worthy even to gaze upon your marvelous little feet."
Omiís big eyes grew bigger. Yohjiís shades slipped a notch down his nose. Their mouths dropped open at the same time. They looked at me, then at Aya and Ken, then at each other and then back to Aya and Ken. Ken stared up at Aya, his cheeks stained with red. He was speechless. Aya was horrified. He clamped his hand over his mouth, looked at Ken and turned as maroon as his hair. "What did you make me do?" he cried, glaring at me.
I blinked innocently. "We all know how much you respect and ADORE Ken, Aya-kun. You donít have to be shy about it."
Yohji covered Omiís ears and eyes. "Youíre too young for yaoi," he said and began to snicker. "But Iím not. Carry on, Aya-kun!!!"
Ken looked at Aya shyly. "I like you too, Aya-kun," he said in a small, soft, hesitant voice and quickly looked away.
"Youíre like a golden ray of sunshine on a cloudy day," Aya announced. "Youíve lighten up my otherwise dull and meaningless life with your words and your smiles. You are everything to me. The wind beneath my wings, the cherry on my ice cream sundae, the seaweed in my sushi-"
Yohji and I laughed so hard that we cried. Omi giggled and began to type up Ayaís words on his laptop.
Ken fell out of his chair. Aya swooped him up into his manly, skinny arms and looked deeply into his eyes. He bent his head close to Kenís and-
My sides ached too much and I couldnít write another word of this heart wrenching, passionate interlude.
"You evil witch!!!" Aya yelled and ran after me with his katana. Yohji threw me my notebook. I hastily scribbled down a few lines.
"You shouldnít run in high heels, Aya-kun," I informed him.
Aya looked down at himself. He was now sporting an ankle-length slinky, clingy red sequined evening gown that had a huge slit up one side, revealing Ayaís slender leg. Around his neck was a large, poofy purple feather boa. He was now wearing elbow-length purple gloves and red high heel shoes. His dainty sideburns were wound up in Sailor Moon style ondangos and upon his head rested a little diamond tiara. He also wore green eye shadow, purple lipstick and red blush.
Omi gazed at Aya in awe. "Aya-kun?" he whispered, blushing.
Big red hearts appeared in Kenís eyes. "Holy Moly binga bonga wada wada wada doki doki WOW!!!!!!!!"
"Who cares about all those other chicks?" Yohji exclaimed. "You make all them look like MEN, Aya-kun!!!"
Aya stared down at himself. "What have you done to me?"
"I just thought Iíd make this interview a little racier," I replied nonchalantly. "You know, for the sake of all your fans. Iím sure that theyíd love to see you in drag. You make a really pretty girl Aya-kun. Almost as good as Omi-kun."
Omi stuck his tongue out at me. "When my voice will break, Iíll be the manliest!!!"
I snorted. The boy was dreaming.
"GET THIS F***ING DRESS OFF OF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Really, and in front of Omi-kun," I scolded.
Ken looked shocked by Ayaís outburst of foul profanity. The glazed look in his eyes slowly disappeared and he shook his head as if to clear it.
Yohji snickered as he lit another cigarette. "Iíll bet that Ken-kun would love to help you get out of your dress, Aya-kun."
I had to laugh. "Good one, Yohji-kun!"
Aya was not impressed. "Oh alright, Iíll change you back," I grumbled, "but will you still do the interview with me?"
"YES, JUST GET THIS DRESS OFF OF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I was happy. Maybe all the fun wasnít over quite yet. As I wrote a new scene in my notebook, I hoped that all the fans would appreciate this racy, new look at Aya. "Aya-kun better not ask for too much money," I thought. "I only have three bucks."
"Are you guys ready to start?" I asked.
"What did you do with my smokes?" Yohji demanded.
"Iím asthmatic Yohji-kun. I canít breathe around you," I informed him. "Besides, itís bad to smoke. You could get lung cancer."
"But what about my devil-may-care cool dude image?" he protested.
"Youíll always be cool with me and the fans," I said and beamed brightly at my favorite assassin.
"Iím cool too, right Deena-san?" Omi asked, looking hopeful.
"Um-isnít it time we start the interview?" I evaded quickly.
I looked over at Aya. He was busy checking out and rearranging his clothing. He hadnít looked over at Ken since the little transvestite episode. Ken, for his part was still flushed and continued to look dazed. Seeing his leader in a dress had obviously made a profound impact upon him.
"Aya-kun? The interview?" I repeated.
Aya looked up. "How much money do we get?"
I shrugged. "It depends on how many fans read this as well as how much money Sai has. This interview is going on her web page. I however have no moola. I donít even have a web page."
Iíve got fourteen web pages plus nine web rings," Omi boasted. "Not to mention all the-"
"Stuff it," Yohji muttered. He peered down his shades at me. "Is Sai that chick who said that I was the least popular Weiss assassin?"
"She didnít mean it, Yohji-kun," I soothed. "Youíre my favorite Weiss assassin."
"Iím Saiís favorite assassin," Aya announced. "In fact, Iím everybodyís favorite assassin. Iím obviously the coolest, my hairstyle is the classiest, Iíve got a trenchcoat thatís as moody as me-"
"Actually, Aoshi from Kenshin is her favorite," I said. "Heís a hunk in a trenchcoat for sure. But she does like you, Aya-kun. You and Ken-kun. Together." I emphasized, trying not to laugh.Aya looked at Ken. Ken looked at Aya. They both blushed and quickly looked away.
"Theyíre both red in the face," Omi pointed out loudly.
Ken glared at me. "Will you just get on with the damn interview?"
I raised an eyebrow. Ken was getting steamed. What a hot-blooded young buck he was. "Alright then." I pulled out my trusty notebook and flipped to the list of questions.
"The first question is for you, Omi-kun and was asked by a Mrs. Brown from Yellow Knife, Canada. She wants to know what time you go to bed at night and she says here that a little lad like you shouldnít be out gallivanting in the middle of the night. She suggests that you be in bed by 7:30 at the latest. How do you respond to that?"
"I am not a little lad!" Omi shrieked in a high-pitched voice.Ken and Yohji snorted. "Iím old enough to stay up as late as I want to and I go to bed at 12:00ÖI mean 1:30," Omi cried, outraged. "I never go to bed at 7:30! In fact, thatís when I get up!!!"
"I see. Well, take it easy there, Omi-kun," I replied. "We donít want you to have a spaz. The next question is for you Aya-kun. It was asked by Jason McDonald from Vermont, U.S.A. He wants to know what is up with that, as he put it, "big ass" earring. Does it have sentimental value or are you just wearing it to be cool? Because it doesnít look cool at all, Jason says."
"First of all, there is never a time when I donít look cool. I am always cool. Did you get that?" he demanded.
"You looked real cool in that red dress," Yohji muttered to Omi and they both snickered.
"All...ways...looks...cool..." I mumbled as I wrote that down. "Yeah I got that."
"Okay. Second of all, this earring is my sisterís," Aya continued. "She looked very stylish in it and so do I. It is in our genes to be cool and stylish and at the height of fashion. The earring serves to further enhance my cold, expressionless facial features and it compliments my decision to live as my sister."
"...live...as...sis...ter..." I wrote, thinking that this was Nuriko-sama from Fushgi Yuugi all over.
"If Schwartz hadnít kidnapped my sister then I wouldnít need to wear this earring," Aya explained. "But if I had known that I would look so chic with it on, then I would have put it on sooner. A cool assassin like myself must always look trendy and in vogue."
"...in vogue..." I scribbled as Ken, Omi and Yohji all sweatdropped.
"Yes this earring really displays my-"
"Yeah, well, thatís really great," I interrupted. "Ken-kun, itís your turn. Paco Lopez from Spain says "Hola!" and he wants to know why you fight with a baseball mitt when you were a soccer player. He says that you should change your weapon to a soccer ball or some deadly kind of soccer cleats. How do you respond to that?"
"You can tell Paco thatís heís loco," Ken said and laughed at his own joke. Yohji joined in.
"What's loco?" Omi wanted to know.
"Itís Spanish for crazy," Ken informed him.
"Oh. Hahahaha," Omi giggled. "That was a good one, Ken-kun!"
"Thanks," Ken replied, shyly peeking at Aya under his lashes.
"Are you going to answer the question any time soon or are you just going to keep staring at Aya-kun?" I asked.
Aya looked at Ken and raised an eyebrow. Ken blushed once again and looked at the floor. "Um...the claw, my weapon that is, isnít supposed to reflect my hobbies. Yohji-kun has a wire but that doesnít mean heís an electrician in his spare time. He doesnít rewire the house every two days. Omi-kunís got darts but he doesnít actually play with them. Aya-kun-"
"I play darts," Omi informed us. "I downloaded a cyber-Dart-O-Rama Virtual game off the net and I play it all the time."
We shared one big sweatdrop.
"Yeah, well forget about him," Ken told me. "What I was trying to say was that our weapons neither reflect or deflect our hobbies and personalities. We are simply as we are. Our fates arenít change by what weapons we use. The mission still remains the same."
"Good answer, Ken-kun," I cheered. "I never realized that you were so intelligent. You're going to be a great hit with the fans after they read this."
"I'm going to be a great hit too, right?" Omi asked excitedly. Everyone ignored him. "Right? Right? Big hit? Me?" he nagged.
"Omi. Stop your incessant babbling," Aya commanded in a frosty tone. "Good speech Ken-kun. You make proud the name of Weiss."
"Domo arigato gozaimasu, Aya-kun," he said softly. They stared at each other for a few minutes.All Aya X Ken supporters sighed and pined and gushed and cried.
"You're next, Yohji-kun," I announced.
Yohji grinned at me. "Read it, Deena-san. This I gotta hear."
"Alright. The next letter is from Sai and she wants to know if you would grace her dull basketball-snowboarding life with your exciting presence. She wants to go on a date with you PRONTO."
"SAI???!!!" Weiss yelled together. Omi and Ken turned SD, ran into each other and fell down.
"Hell yeah," I said, smirking. "She really loves your pants Yohji-kun. She liked them so much that she bought herself some to be just like you!"
Cut to Sai who is sitting in her room, tending to her bruised ribs that she leveled in a snowboarding accident. Her psychic abilities as Web Mistress allowed her to hear the conversation and her anguished shriek of terror could be heard all throughout the land. Not only was there screaming, a great deal of gagging was involved.
"Yohji???!!!!" she choked. "Me and Yohji??? A date with that greasy, slimy, scuzzy pimp???!!! Gag me. I f***ing hate his stupid hipster Jeans. I would never buy a pair of those dumb pants and I would never go out with that gooney sleaze-bag!!!!"
She glared into a nearby mirror that shattered under the force of her wrath. Outside the skies darkened, wind howled like the dead and thunder began to crackle ominously.
"Deena is so f***ing DEAD!!!!" she yelled. "I'm gonna kill her!!!!"
"Sai-san wants to go out with Yohji-kun?" Omi asked, puzzled.
Yohji smirked. "Heh heh. Of course that chick wants to go out with me. All chicks want to go out with me. With my witty mannerisms and cool, stylin' good looks, she didn't have a chance!!! I mean, I do have about 245 phone numbers in my chick phone book and I have been out with about 978 chicksÖ"
As Yohji continued to brag, we shared a big sweatdrop with the readers and the fans.
"Stow it, okay?" Ken demanded, annoyed. "We heard it all before. Women find you irresistible and can't keep their hands off you. Yeah, yeah that's great. We don't care, alright?"
Yohji smirked as he peered at Ken through his glasses. "Jealous?"
Ken opened his mouth to respond but Aya beat him to it. "Yohji. Leave Ken-kun be. Bother him and answer to my wrath. Do I make myself clear?"
Yohji raised an eyebrow.
I whistled. Forget about all these other questions. I was going to ask the question that all the fans REALLY wanted to know. I closed my notebook. "Alright, I think that all the fans have waited long enough. Here's what everyone wants to know. Just what exactly is going on between you, Aya-kun and you, Ken-kun?"
There was a shocked silence. Yohji grinned and winked at me. Omi hid under a table, unwilling to face Aya's wrath. But he still continued to peek out, not wanting to miss any of the fun. Eight million fans peered through the window, watching and waiting.
"Stop glaring at me, Aya-kun," I ordered, annoyed. "Don't you know that you can't intimidate me?"
Yohji was impressed. "What a girl. Wanna go out with me?"
In my mind I did a victory dance. Yay me!!! I managed to snag one of the Weiss hotties. The one who just happened to be my favorite. Casually I replied, "Sure thing, Yohji-kun! After this interviewÖ"
"Can I come too?" Omi asked.
"NO!!!!" Yohji and I said at the same time.
Omi looked crushed.
"We could go on a double date with Aya-kun and Ken-kun," I said, chuckling. I looked over at the two lover boys in denial. Ken looked shocked and horrified. Aya had murder in his violet eyes. "Well? Neither of you answered my question. All the fans are anxious to know. Ken-kun, do you love Aya-kun? Aya-kun, is there room for Ken-kun in your block-of-ice heart? Would the two of you come with Yohji-kun and I on a date?"
"What about me?" Omi whined. Everyone ignored him.
Ken fiddled with his brown bomber jacket. "Aya-kun's the leader of Weiss Kreuz. IÖ obviouslyÖumÖ respect and admire himÖ" he faltered.
"Aya-kun?" I prompted. "What do you have to say to that?"
Aya looked distressed and embarrassed, much to the surprise of all the readers and the fans who had never seen this cool assassin look anything other than deadly, icy, and quiet. "It is true that I am the leader of WeissÖ" he said, stating the obvious. "Ken-kun should respect me as I respect him very much. He's a valuable asset to Weiss and a lethal assassin andÖ"
I tried not to snort. How many "lethal" assassins had a claw-mitt for a weapon, anyways?
Ken was bright red by this time. Boy, he did blush a lot for such a "lethal" assassin.
"And what?" Yohji asked, helping me along.
"AndÖ" Aya stopped and stared down at his katana, not knowing how to express himself.
"I think you and Ken-kun would make a great couple," Omi said shyly, from under the table.
"I do too," I added. Yohji nodded in agreement. The eight million fans in the window cheered loudly.
Aya glared out the window in an appealing manner and then cursed in a foul manner. "Let's go upstairs Ken-kun," he ordered. "We need to talk."
"Talk? Upstairs?" Ken squeaked.
"UPSTAIRS???!!!" Yohji, Omi, the eight million fans, the readers and I all chorused.
Aya gave one last glare in our direction before grabbing Ken's hand and stalking upstairs with him.
"Let's follow them," Omi cried excitedly, crawling out from under the table. "We gotta see what's gonna happen."
"Let them spend some quality time together," I advised. "We'll go spy on them later."
The eight million fans groaned in agony.
"But in the mean time we could continue the interview," I suggested.
"Yeah, good idea," Omi clamored ecstatically. "I can tell all my fans about the new video games I downloaded off the net and about how the other day a lady at the store gave me a nine hundred yen tip and-"
"Yeah, that's great," Yohji interrupted. "But I don't think that any fans will be interested in your stupid games and how you swindled some old, senile lady into giving you a tip. Everyone would obviously be more interested in my cool, suave, charming ways. You're only a kid, Omi-kun and therefore what do you know? I'm older, cooler, more experienced-"
"I am not a kid!" Omi replied hotly. "I'm just as cool as you and everyone is interested in me! And furthermore, I didn't swindle money from that old lady, she gave it to me!"
"Uh, how about we answer some more questions?" I suggested, looking down at my trusty notebook. "We have another question-"
"I don't wanna answer any more questions," Omi complained. "This is too stressful for me. I can't handle this kind of intense pressure."
"You only answered one question," Yohji pointed out. "How much pressure can that be, freak-o?"
"It's not easy being the cutest assassin you know," Omi sighed, pouting.
Yohji snorted. "You, the cutest? Don't make me laugh. Any fool can see that I am the cutest. My tattoo and hipster jeans and cool shades have been known to send many young maidens into a swoon. Not to mention how freakin' darn good I am in bed. Heh heh heh," Yohji chuckled.
Omi looked ill. "Oh, gag me. You have a real gooney tattoo and nobody even likes you. Not like they like me. I'm the most popular."
"No you're not, you little weasel."
"Yes I am, you big weasel."
I sighed. This conversation was hit with a bag of dumb.
"Look I just said noÖ"
"I am soÖ"
"What do you know kidÖ"
"I'm not a kidÖ"
A huge sweatdrop appeared next to my head. I looked in the direction of the stairs. What were Aya-kun and Ken-kun doing up there? There hadn't even been a little peep from upstairs. What were the two suave assassins up to?
"Huh?" I looked over at Omi. He and Yohji were both looking at me with that big-eyes anime look. "Yeah?"
"I'm cooler than Yohji-kun, right?" Omi asked, his large eyes wobbling in a Sailor Moon-esque way.
"Deena-san, the prettiest girl in the world, you think that I'm the best and most popular assassin in Weiss, don't you," Yohji asked.
"UhÖ" I twisted my sleeves around my hands. "I'm really not at liberty to sayÖ"
"Come oonnnnnn," Omi whined in a high pitched voice. "Just admit that I'm the cccccccccuuuuuttttttteeeeeeeeeessssssttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"You know that I'm the best, Deena-san," Yohji bragged. "That's why you wanna go on a date with me."
"UmÖwould you look at the time. This interview is over on account ofÖ.uhÖ.I gotta go." I scarpered. "Well, that was some interview," I said walking outside. "I guess it's time for me to go home now and do my homework."
"Oh no you don't," the eight million fans chorused. "We want to see Aya X Ken!"
"Hey, this is an interview," I protested. "not a yaoi lemon."
"FIRST YOU TRY TO SET ME UP WITH THAT FREAK OF A NATION YOHJI AND NOW YOU'RE SKIPPING ALL THE GOOD STUFF????!!!! WHY I OUTTA GIVE YOU A KE CHO KICK!!!!!!!!!"
I looked over to see Sai. She didn't look very happy. In fact she looked exactly likeÖ.the most powerful force in all of Tokyo (and Kyoto) Kaoru! She waved Shinomori Aoshi's kodachi swords around, menacingly.
"UhÖheh heh heh. Moving right alongÖ.let's go see what Aya and Ken are up to, shall we?" I said hastily and ran up to their room. I opened the door as the eight million fans peeked through the windows and out of the closet. (how fans got in the closet, I'll never know)
I gasped at the shocking sight that I beheld. Sai shoved me out of the way with Aoshi's kodachi and also stared.
Aya and Ken were on the bed making out, while their Seiyuu's duet "Bosanova Casanova" played gently in the backround. Ken had shredded Aya's trenchcoat with his *snicker* claw-mitt and it lay in a heap on the floor along with Ken's brown bomber jacket, his goggles and black form-fitting T-shirt. However, it should be noted that the ugly, useless yellow shirt around Ken's waist was still intact. It should also be noted that Ken was twirling Aya's sideburns around his finger as they continued to kiss passionately, oblivious that they were the center of attention.
"Now that's damn saucy," I said, humming along with "Bosanova Casanova".
"Aishiteru Ken-kun," Aya murmured huskily, kissing his neck.
"Haaaiiii," Ken groaned, stroking and twirling his hair.
"Alright, alright," I announced to all the fans. "That's enough. It's time to leave these two lovebirds alone. They need their privacy. Come on, everyone bust a move pronto."
Teary eyed well as happy fans filed out, whining and complaining. "We wanna see more," they bewailed, dejectedly. "You never let us see any of the good stuff. We want to see some lemon!!!!!!"
"Oh go write your own damn fics," I muttered. "Some people can just never be happy. Stupid whiners. Bunch of ungrateful perverts."
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A PERVERT????!!!! YOU LIKE YAOI AS MUCH AS WE DO!!!!!!!!!"
"Er, so I do," I said quickly. "I gotta go. Ja!"
"Oy!" Sai the Kaoru yelled. "I'm not finished with you! What the hell was that with Yohji? I can't stand the dude. He's a freak!"
I checked my watch. "I have to do an interview with the Kenshin-gumi. Me and Sano are gonna hook up later, heh heh heh."
"Kenshin-gumi!" Sai yelled. "Can I come too?"
And off the two went to visit the set of Rurouni Kenshin. But before the curtains closed, I announced loudly, "Stay tuned next week when I interview Schwartz, the bad dudes of Weiss Kreuz. Same Weiss time, same Weiss channel."
The fans cheered themselves hoarse.